I’m Back!

I wondered if I ever would be or if I ever wanted to write again but just like I knew it was time to step out, I know it’s time to be back. I’m very thankful for the time I’ve taken to get my head back together and, really, it’s best that I did that quietly. So much has happened in the past 5 months and I suppose that I need to give you a run-down of sorts. I realize that I sort of limped along for a while and you all know some of the things that have happened but some things are also resolved. I guess all-in-all I felt like I was hit by a train but on the other side I have a lot of hope.

The bedroom is finished. Or as finished as I imagine we’ll make it. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for Christmas and Travis and I really needed to go shopping so we went together. He wanted me to pick out some things so that he would have a clue what to get for me. I picked out some clothes and things but was drawn to the domestics section (imagine that!). I looked through all the comforter sets and was drawn to a beautiful white comforter with sea-glass-green/blue, and beige botanicals embroidered on it. It really couldn’t have been any more perfect. I also picked out the most beautiful mercury glass lamp with a shimmery white shade. For all the world it reminds me of Cinderella’s pumpkin coach. Pictures? Yes, there will be pictures. But I’d have to make the bed to take one and I really just want to get this first post out. Patience.

My dad is better. His health is fine, his knee is very well recovered and he’s able to play golf again.

Amanda moved out. Sigh. It wasn’t as horrible as I imagined it would be when she was say, 6. In those mental images I wailed uncontrollably and my heart was completely broken. It’s not really like that at all. I’ve been a bit ticked off that she’s enjoying herself so much. If I’m going to be completely honest I’d prefer that she was at least slightly miserable, thank you. My dad told me that’s the way you’re supposed to raise them. Give them love and raise them to be independent, well-adjusted adults. I told him that I’d made a big mistake and that I’m going to emotionally cripple Chloe and Halle so that they never move out. I’m kidding. I mean, I did actually say that but I was kidding. No, I want them all to move out someday so that Travis and I can go to Hawaii by ourselves.

Travis is a changed man in so many ways. I am so incredibly thankful.

And me? Well, I hope that I can really write out what I want to say. I guess in these last 5 months I’ve wrestled with the past, with hell, with God and I’m different. With the past? Well, the past happened. And I realized that I was mad at God. He wasn’t the least bit freaked out by it. I was. I’ve thought for a long time, longer than I realized, that if my faith was perfect God would change our circumstances and I wouldn’t be so miserable. I decided to be like Paul and be content with whatever. But lying underneath the rubble of my dreams was anger. It finally came out one afternoon when I was praying. I’d been really disconnected emotionally for at least a month and I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I thought I was mad at Travis and the handful of other people that have really hurt me. But the one I was angry with was God. “I told you that you could do whatever you wanted with my life and you told me to get married and now look where I am!” I screamed. “I was in ministry, I wanted to change the world, I wanted to tell people about you and instead I’m destroyed”! I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the fact that I know I’m called to minister (all Christians are but that’s another discussion) and for 10 years I’ve watched my life crumble. Everything I touched fell apart in my hands. For all the dysfunction in my life, I was always good at anything I tried to do. I always excelled unless I decided not to (college+socializing=not excelling).  In my hometown, teenage rebellion aside, I was well thought of and was promoted to leadership, well, always. So to sit and do nothing for 10 years has been crushing. Yes, I’m a SAHM and I love it. But I haven’t even sang. Singing has been my life since I can remember. My first solo was in church at 4. I spent hundreds of hours practicing arias and art songs that I’ll never sing again so that I could get a degree to be a minister of music. You get the idea, dreams crushed and everything inside me died. I tried to be content, I had robo-faith. I didn’t let myself ever say “It’s not fair”. I think that afternoon I said it’s not fair at least 10 times. Along with “I didn’t do anything wrong”, “this isn’t my fault” and “you cursed me and it wasn’t my sin”! It wasn’t my sin but I surely have suffered the effects of it. And I told God that I forgive Him. The impertinence of it all! A worm like me forgave almighty God? Well, I was mad at Him whether or not I should have been and that’s what you do when you’re mad at someone. And He gently, so incredibly gently, reminded me of David.

David wasn’t anybody when he was anointed King of Israel. He didn’t ask for it and neither did he try to attain it once he was anointed. He humbly served King Saul until he had to run for his life. He did nothing wrong but hid in caves while the entire army of Israel searched for him. He didn’t do anything wrong but he had to live like an animal until the day God exalted him. And I asked God to forgive me for being mad at Him. I told Him that he could to *anything* with my life and this is what He’s chosen. I guess if I compare my life and struggles to King David I’m in pretty good company.

In summary, my dreams are still dead. But I’m going to start singing in choir. I don’t always enjoy choir but at least I can be part of something and sing. I’m hopeful in the midst of ridiculous change. I’m painting for fun again, a little. I’m enjoying all of the silly little things my girls say and I’m really enjoying having an extra room. I’m sort of burned-out on home projects but I probably won’t be able to not paint the kids new play room. I plan on mostly having fun with my blog. I will post absolutely whatever strikes my fancy on any given day. I hope you’re ok with that. I think I have far to go before I really find a new normal but I’m looking forward to that. So for now I hope you’ll follow along with me in the Mrs. Adventures of Button Girl. I think it will be interesting.

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8 thoughts on “I’m Back!

  1. Hooray! I’m so glad you’re back!
    Robo-faith sucks, doesn’t it? David’s heart is much more my style – raw, seething, bleeding and real.
    I am so looking forward to seeing what strikes your fancy on a day-to-day basis.

  2. Welcome back, Amy…I have always thought that you are a great writer and an inspiration to me…Doug (and others) have been after me to write for years but I have been so reluctant, thinking “What in the world do I have to write about?”…that, anyone would want to read? I have no formal training…I have no following…LOL…I’ve thought (and still am thinking about…) going public…Maybe, just maybe , my experiences as a Christian and all that I’ve been through would benefit someone?…Then again, I second guess myself a lot…and talk myself out of things as well…Indecisive? Procrastinator? Fear of what people would think? Fear of failure?…A bit of all those things I suppose…I’m not making any promises…All my attempts at blogging have gone by the wayside…However, I did start writing (with a pen!) in a journal again…Anyways, this is not about me but about you…

    I agree with Christy, I LOVE David because he is so real…My counselors at Ellel gave me permission to be just that and I know you will be real in your day to day musings…

    Don’t stop dreaming, Amy…We all suffer disappointments…Keep pursuing your dreams…one prayer at a time….

  3. Joyce, I think that when the time is right you’ll know. Maybe journal writing is what will click for you. I do think that writing is something that is in you but I also think that in time you’ll care less about what people think of you and more about what God has placed inside you that He wants you to share with others. I only say that because there are different things that Travis is “after” me to do and they just don’t feel like they fit. When it does “fit” then it’s not a chore or a drudgery, it becomes a passion or a hobby or something that I just enjoy doing sometimes. Maybe none of that is true and you’ll start blogging tomorrow, lol. Love you.

  4. You’re walking *through* and I can’t wait to see what’s on the other side, Amy. No more holding your breath and waiting! You’ll be enjoying the journey and finding that the past is not your identity and the Present, Current Amy has so much to offer to the Lord and those around her. You’ve hung a lot upon your singing, but I haven’t even known you as a “singer” and if I never ever did, I would still have a dear friend in the Lord that has power to impact others for His good. Love you and glad you’re “back”.

  5. Amy,
    I had no idea you were struggling. I can someone relate. After finally achieving my dream of “settling down” with a husband, home and child to raise, life often felt like it was on autopilot, doing the same thing day in and day out. I think in reality lots of women feel this way. We just are not wired to take care of ourselves, always putting others and our to-do lists for others first.

    One thing that always worked for me when I was at my lowest low was to make a break in the routine. Exercise, whether a walk around the block or a jog with the dog in the park, a yoga session at home or a game of tennis, always helped me feel better and clear my mind.

    Also, never ever stop dreaming and setting goals. They may seem a long way off, but dream now about the life you want to live in the future. You know Charlie and I have started our own business and we are working longer hours than ever and not yet bringing home a paycheck, but we’ve are so fulfilled and closer in our marriage than ever. We’ve been dreaming of this for years, although it was never really a plan until he lost his job. We always knew that we wanted to do something like this, and we realize that we’ve both been “in training” for this most of our careers. Everything we’ve learned and everything we’ve been through has prepared us for this mid-life moment. And you know what, we’re now even dreaming of our next move way down the road.

    You are so talented and have such a strong faith, I know you’ll figure this out. And in my mind, it’s OK to question your faith and religion…it’s helps to verify what we know to be the truth.

    Please stop by The Gardener’s Gallery next time you’re in town. I want to show you our dream! (See our website at GardenersGalleryLLC.com.)

    Love,
    Cindy

    • Aunt Cindy, thank you so much. And I’m really excited for you guys. I read the article about your new shop in the news online. I can’t wait to see it, for your sake, and because I like to grow things too. You probably didn’t know that. I’m not super-great at it because I haven’t really been able to get the tools I need but I always grow a little something. I’m hoping that you guys have some things that you won’t find at places like Lowe’s, like heirloom tomatoes and such. Travis loves tomatoes but he didn’t like the ones I grew last year- yellow pear. He said they aren’t tomato-y enough. Anyway, I hope we can make a trip in the spring to see you all and see the shop too.

      Love, Amy

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