I wondered if I ever would be or if I ever wanted to write again but just like I knew it was time to step out, I know it’s time to be back. I’m very thankful for the time I’ve taken to get my head back together and, really, it’s best that I did that quietly. So much has happened in the past 5 months and I suppose that I need to give you a run-down of sorts. I realize that I sort of limped along for a while and you all know some of the things that have happened but some things are also resolved. I guess all-in-all I felt like I was hit by a train but on the other side I have a lot of hope.
The bedroom is finished. Or as finished as I imagine we’ll make it. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for Christmas and Travis and I really needed to go shopping so we went together. He wanted me to pick out some things so that he would have a clue what to get for me. I picked out some clothes and things but was drawn to the domestics section (imagine that!). I looked through all the comforter sets and was drawn to a beautiful white comforter with sea-glass-green/blue, and beige botanicals embroidered on it. It really couldn’t have been any more perfect. I also picked out the most beautiful mercury glass lamp with a shimmery white shade. For all the world it reminds me of Cinderella’s pumpkin coach. Pictures? Yes, there will be pictures. But I’d have to make the bed to take one and I really just want to get this first post out. Patience.
My dad is better. His health is fine, his knee is very well recovered and he’s able to play golf again.
Amanda moved out. Sigh. It wasn’t as horrible as I imagined it would be when she was say, 6. In those mental images I wailed uncontrollably and my heart was completely broken. It’s not really like that at all. I’ve been a bit ticked off that she’s enjoying herself so much. If I’m going to be completely honest I’d prefer that she was at least slightly miserable, thank you. My dad told me that’s the way you’re supposed to raise them. Give them love and raise them to be independent, well-adjusted adults. I told him that I’d made a big mistake and that I’m going to emotionally cripple Chloe and Halle so that they never move out. I’m kidding. I mean, I did actually say that but I was kidding. No, I want them all to move out someday so that Travis and I can go to Hawaii by ourselves.
Travis is a changed man in so many ways. I am so incredibly thankful.
And me? Well, I hope that I can really write out what I want to say. I guess in these last 5 months I’ve wrestled with the past, with hell, with God and I’m different. With the past? Well, the past happened. And I realized that I was mad at God. He wasn’t the least bit freaked out by it. I was. I’ve thought for a long time, longer than I realized, that if my faith was perfect God would change our circumstances and I wouldn’t be so miserable. I decided to be like Paul and be content with whatever. But lying underneath the rubble of my dreams was anger. It finally came out one afternoon when I was praying. I’d been really disconnected emotionally for at least a month and I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I thought I was mad at Travis and the handful of other people that have really hurt me. But the one I was angry with was God. “I told you that you could do whatever you wanted with my life and you told me to get married and now look where I am!” I screamed. “I was in ministry, I wanted to change the world, I wanted to tell people about you and instead I’m destroyed”! I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the fact that I know I’m called to minister (all Christians are but that’s another discussion) and for 10 years I’ve watched my life crumble. Everything I touched fell apart in my hands. For all the dysfunction in my life, I was always good at anything I tried to do. I always excelled unless I decided not to (college+socializing=not excelling). In my hometown, teenage rebellion aside, I was well thought of and was promoted to leadership, well, always. So to sit and do nothing for 10 years has been crushing. Yes, I’m a SAHM and I love it. But I haven’t even sang. Singing has been my life since I can remember. My first solo was in church at 4. I spent hundreds of hours practicing arias and art songs that I’ll never sing again so that I could get a degree to be a minister of music. You get the idea, dreams crushed and everything inside me died. I tried to be content, I had robo-faith. I didn’t let myself ever say “It’s not fair”. I think that afternoon I said it’s not fair at least 10 times. Along with “I didn’t do anything wrong”, “this isn’t my fault” and “you cursed me and it wasn’t my sin”! It wasn’t my sin but I surely have suffered the effects of it. And I told God that I forgive Him. The impertinence of it all! A worm like me forgave almighty God? Well, I was mad at Him whether or not I should have been and that’s what you do when you’re mad at someone. And He gently, so incredibly gently, reminded me of David.
David wasn’t anybody when he was anointed King of Israel. He didn’t ask for it and neither did he try to attain it once he was anointed. He humbly served King Saul until he had to run for his life. He did nothing wrong but hid in caves while the entire army of Israel searched for him. He didn’t do anything wrong but he had to live like an animal until the day God exalted him. And I asked God to forgive me for being mad at Him. I told Him that he could to *anything* with my life and this is what He’s chosen. I guess if I compare my life and struggles to King David I’m in pretty good company.
In summary, my dreams are still dead. But I’m going to start singing in choir. I don’t always enjoy choir but at least I can be part of something and sing. I’m hopeful in the midst of ridiculous change. I’m painting for fun again, a little. I’m enjoying all of the silly little things my girls say and I’m really enjoying having an extra room. I’m sort of burned-out on home projects but I probably won’t be able to not paint the kids new play room. I plan on mostly having fun with my blog. I will post absolutely whatever strikes my fancy on any given day. I hope you’re ok with that. I think I have far to go before I really find a new normal but I’m looking forward to that. So for now I hope you’ll follow along with me in the Mrs. Adventures of Button Girl. I think it will be interesting.