It’s a feeling not just a color. I think that whenever I make a declaration to not complain about circumstances my circumstances get, um, challenging.
I also think that I can be thankful that Travis has a steady job while being completely honest in saying that his job stinks right now. Really. He’s working a lot. Like really a lot.
And the car is in the shop and right now the diagnosis is that it’s going to cost major moolah to fix it. I mean, major moolah. It’s a broken bolt. But the bolt can’t be replaced currently without replacing a bunch of other things. Unless we can find the part or the mechanic can find the part. Because that part isn’t made for our van anymore. Which means that if the Button family is going anywhere at all, it’s going to be in Lazarus. That’s what we call Trav’s van. It’s ugly and old but it just keeps running. And I’m thankful for that, I just don’t want to ride in it. Plus it has no a/c.
And Amanda is going through some really tough stuff. And while it’s not me personally that’s dealing with it, she’s my kid and it weighs on me. This last year and a half has been really hard for her and trying to help her through it and watching her be in so much pain is really, really hard. I want to fix it all and knowing that I can’t hurts. A lot.
So, I guess that missing my husband and watching my daughter work really hard on some really tough emotional things and feeling like a single mom at times and other things have just piled up and I’d like to run away somewhere. I mean, I can’t but I’d like to.
Have you ever done the Nestea plunge? My brother and I used to do it when we were kids and I have to say that it’s highly misrepresented by those happy people falling backwards into a swimming pool. It stings. A lot. I feel like that now though. I’m doing the Nestea plunge. Trusting that there is a really big set of hands back there to catch me. I know He’s there. I know it’s okay. I still want to finish this season out strong. I’m just really thankful that, “…His strength is made perfect in my weakness…” I don’t have to convince myself that this isn’t hard or that it’s all okay. It will be okay but I don’t know exactly how everything is going to work out.
Part of what I’m learning in the last couple of months is that I lie to myself. I have thought that I am far too mature to be disappointed when things don’t work out the way I want them to. Or that I’m too strong to be upset or that faith means that I’m unshakeable. What I’m finding is that when I keep that standard for myself I end up internalizing it and getting really angry. It’s not usually until I end up yelling at the kids or am ready to kick the dog that I realize what’s going on.
So, I’ve started admitting to God when I’m upset or disappointed or angry. I’ve quit trying to be so mature that nothing bothers me. That may be something that’s easy for you but for someone that prides themselves on being strong, it’s really difficult. The death of pride is another subject for another day. I had to admit today that part of why I’m so blue is that I really just miss my husband. My usual M.O. is to just shut down emotionally, focus on what’s ahead and soldier on. It usually takes us a week or so to get past that.
So, there you go. I’m bummed. I said it…repeatedly. And I like to end on a happy note but I think that maybe I’ll wait for another day.