My, my, my…these last few weeks have been a lot of things. The good, the bad, the ugly all somehow wrapped into something beautiful. A friend asked last week, “So what’s going on?” Basically, what huge thing is happening that’s turned everything upside down? And I really struggled to put into words things that are happening. And while a few things are external, things we can see, a lot more of it has been internal, a chipping away at so many things. It’s just a season of change for us and as much as I want change, as much as I want God’s will to be done in us, change is hard.

And it’s good. Really, really, really good. Again, mostly it’s internal. It’s not something you can stick in the bank. But I can see it and it’s amazing. I can honestly say that I have never been more excited about God’s timing than I am right now. His plans for us are good and rushing things (like I always try to do) isn’t helpful. He wants a completed work. And I’m really, truly excited about that.

Over the last couple of years I have been emptied of everything both good and bad and I’m being filled back up with so many good things. I’m really excited about painting again. It doesn’t have to be daily but painting at all is good. I’m writing for fun (besides blogging) and am really enjoying it. I bought a very girly, super-cute journal and I’m handwriting a story. Mostly because staring at a blank computer page seems like it would be soul-draining. Plus, at some point, it will give my girls something to read and it seems more special since it’s handwritten.

Music will still be part of my life because it’s just part of who I am. I’m not sure in what capacity. When I was a kid it was the only thing that I ever thought or dreamed of. Being a singer on stage was the greatest thing ever to me. But I’m coming to realize that there are many other things that I love to do and I don’t have to be completely one dimensional as far as interests. I am certain of one thing though. Whatever I do, it’s going to be artsy. I’ve tried to not be the artsy girl. I’ve tried to be more serious and it’s mostly because I’m not taken seriously. It just comes with the female, blond-ish haired, blue-eyed territory. Not by people that know me, but by those that don’t. I have a story I could illustrate with but I won’t. I could say that it doesn’t bug me but it does. I’ve just decided that I’m going to go with my strengths.

I’ve tried to be interested in the things that I thought were noble or academic or pleasing to other people. Or (and this is a big one) what I thought would be pleasing to God (“Surely if I do *this* it will make God happy!”) And while I do want to minister to people in whatever capacity the Lord gives me, I found that I’m really interested in flowers. And art. And cottages. And glass doorknobs. And I have to think that being what God made me to be instead of what I think that people want me to be  has to be okay with Him. He made me this way. And if I’m not Mother Theresa, He’s okay with that. Because He only called Mother Theresa to do what He asked of her.

I suppose it’s pretty obvious that I’ve really struggled with this.  Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom that paints and writes and cooks and bakes is not how I saw myself. I wanted to do more. And “more” is a whole other subject. But for me, that’s a trap and a snare. The guilt of not “achieving” something tangible. But even when I was doing something “tangible” all I thought of was my kids, gardening, cottages, and glass doorknobs.

And for now I’ll leave it at that.


3 thoughts on “Respite

  1. Funny how change is so painful and so wonderful all at the same time. That chipping away at the inside is often how I feel. Like an unseen catastrophe is being cleaned up inside and I can’t even begin to explain why I’m struggling to breath.

    This morning I read Psalm 100:3 “Know that the LORD Himself is God;
    It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
    We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.”

    How comforting to know that we are not responsible or even encouraged to make ourselves. It is His work, and we are the sheep of His pasture. I was going to blog about that when I get the time but it’s kind of like you already have.

    • I love that, “Like and unseen catastrophe is being cleaned up inside and I can’t even begin to explain why I’m struggling to breathe.” Yes, that’s *exactly* it.

      Coincidentally, it was your post on waiting and my reaction to it that made me really realize that there were some things that I needed to deal with. Well, that and my mentor saying, “you need to deal with this”. God has all the puzzle pieces and puts them together at the right time I think.

  2. “More” isn’t always what we think it is. I think the goal is to become “more” of who we were made to be, not to accomplish “more” things that we think we should do.
    I love that you are writing in a book with a pen. That’s always how I get my best thoughts out of my head 🙂

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